dont give a fuckk

goooooooood dangit. its break, and im still stressing over things. like alot of things. more things then i want to worry about right now. gaaaaaaaaah. 

theres tiff. idk wats up with her. her albert shit getting in between us again. not like we dont hang out as much, but when tiff likes someone she gets hella empty headed, and can only think about  her albert, and is therefore competley uncapable of keeping up any form of legit conversation. and id be kinda cool with all this if she was atleast happy. but she isnt. all she ever does is mope around, and whine, and worry, and overthink things. and not do anything about the stuff shes moaning and worrying about/its like damm. if yer not happy with the way thing are, fix them. its yer relationship. you are the one who controls it. and bitching to me about it isnt a good way of fixing things. but whatever. i honestly dont feel like this little relationship of theirs is gunna go anywhere. hes too young. shes not mentally prepared. but then again, she never will be. god sometimes i just wanna tell the girl to grow the fuck up.

then theres the rest of the group. i hate how i hafta manage everything. if we wanna do anything at all, i hafta call everyone and do the thinking for everyone. and. gahh. i dont even have a reason to be mad at anyone. im not mad. im just stressed. fuu. 

then theres the big, evergrowing, gloomy mountain of school. it gets split into sections. section one is just the basic grades, my flat 90%, where, if i get a b on ,like anything, my whole grade drops. the 87% which need to be raised. all these teachers to talk to, things to study for, things to do well, when you dont have the time or motivation to do anything well. section two is SATs those nasty little things just hang over yer head and remind you how much of a failiure at life you are. and how YOU are the one that has to find the classes, at the right time for the right price, taught by the right person, not too far, not too expensive, not too short, not too long. god. everyone else just gets their mom to do this shit for them. and how the SATs are getting closer, every day. and how epically you are unprepared., section 3 is colledges. taking the right classes, having the right credits, but mosyt of all, figuring out what you want to do with yerself. finding colleges, sending them yer sat scores, thinking about weather its better to send them in early, or late, thining about weather you want to take summer classes there or not, balancing that with going to russia, and balancing school in general with work. 

yes, work, theres another one. its fucking tiring as hell, and im sick and tired of my whole family being mad at me for keeping the job, and always pushoing hella negative stuff on me, about the job, and how im wasting the time that i need to be using studying for sats, and how i do everything wrong. and how people at work dont like me, and how my manager probobly thinks im the dumbest, nost annoying person that has ever worked there, and how shes prolly gunna fire me before i even stat trining to be a birthday hostess. and how all the people athere all so cool, and brushoffy, to the point where its almost mean, considering how nicely they talk to eachother and to everyone else. how everyone there thinks im rude, annoying, stupid and immature, and how it prolly all true.

i friken stress about myself. i used to not give a fuck. now i hfta watch what im eating, and work out, and dress nice, and look nice, and wear hella makeup, and strainghten my hair, and starve myself, just to fit these stupid rules that i myself come up with. I HATE DIETS. i hate how it takes me days to do my makeup. im mad at myself for mot being able to except myself thr way i am, and just dealing with it. 

my family is a whole another issue. its basically the usual. always fighting, or mad, or tense, or just generally uneasy around eachother. them always diaspointed at something. me never being good enough, never living up to their standards. not even living up to my own standards, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. theres so much more. but its 3 am, and i have work tomorow, and i hate everyone and everything including myself. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. 

o my friggen god. this girl is everything i have ever wanted to be in my life. and its fucking weird how she is sooo much like me. it is killing my brain. she is like an amazing, super improved version of me. shes russian-ish, some country really close by that speaks like a different dialect or russian. pretty. the same kind of pretty that i am. but better. the same shape of the eyes, but hers are bigger, her lips, more proportionate. proportionate to the point of absolute perfection. she bites her nails. i bite my nails. shes skinny. we have like identical body types, but she always seems more slender and graceful. with like swag at the same time. how da fuck does that even happen?? she dressses tthe way i would dress. she does hella drugs. i really want to go back to that. i know my life is better without that shit. but i miss it. the exitement the thrill the illegalness if it all. shes cool with people i have idolized since like, forever. ian messaros is hitting on her all over her profile. and she always says the right things. and frick. her drawing skills. i dont even think ive seen anything like that, from a kid our age. shes crazzy. this girls is already in the academy of art. the san francisco academy of art. the academy of art that i secretly dream about but always say i would never get in to. cause i relly believe that im just not good enough. and she has gauges. ive wanted those things for like a year now. but i dont have balls, and they would clash with my current way of life. god. i cant get over her. those perfectly thin, long legs, that bend a little outward. the way i sometimes try to make my legs go when i stand. her quiet, under the surface, unaproachable, icy image. omfg. i dont even now how to explain this. i want to be her. so bad. i have never ever felt like this in my life. this is like some friggen wave of super admiration, and envy and. fuck. shes perfect. without flauniting it to the world. unlike those chicks who think theyre cool, when they dont have an 8th, of what she, or even i posess. 

i think im just gunna go sit in a corner and be sad about the fact that im just so…small. little. pathetic. and that every single person out there is better then i am at something. or everything. how im lazy and unmotivated. and how all i ever do is waste my time. how i should really stop flattering myself with the thought that im pretty. people just look right through me anyway. there are very few people who ever notice or even know about my existance. how i will never get a guy i can respect, and can be truly happy with, because i can only be cool around guys who i see as below me. and whenever i simply look at someone who i genuinely admire and want, i just turn into an awkward, quiet, little gray spot that they wouldnt look at, ever in a million years. 

fuck. im just gunna go screw up my lungs a little more.and wander the lonely, silent streets with the pathetic company of my own shadow, and maybe blanket that doesnt do shit to keep me warm. 

why cant i ever just be happy??

she wore alot of makeup. but her natural beauty could never be out shined by the brightest eyeshadow. it glowed through the thick, percise eyeliner, and the foundation which consealed her face. the perfect shape of her lips. her icy blue eyes which took in the world with enquisitive, artisic accuracy. he took her in slowly, noting every small detail which outlined her deep and delicate personality to him. he felt breeze of emotion, her thin, shaking fingers made him want to hold her tight and safe and warm, and protect her from all those deep, dark, painfull emotions that were obviosly swalowing her whole. it was fairly obvious, to him atleast, that behind her cheerful smile and her shield of makeup, hid a hurt soul. a confused child, lost and unprepared for all the things that kept striking her like tidal waves coming in from all directions. 

and yet..there was something else in her. he could feel it. it was what illuminated the room and filled it with her presence. inside that thin light frame was also a strong will. a determination to trust in herself, and not let anyone else make her desigions. to resist being caged by people who thought themselves superior. a powerful mechanism of logic and reason that guided her, and protected her sad, broken soul, while it healed and gained strength. it was her firm, overpowering spirit that held her together with sturdy threads of determination.

thes two opposite creatures were so different from each other. he marveled at how they havent torn this delicate little girl apart yet. her soul, a shy, cautious creature whhich took years to allow anyone to come near it and her brain. her will. her logic. which took in everyone and everything, made them equal as human beings and aranged them neatly on thousands of little shelves, based on knowlege, connections, looks, and the different shades of their personalities. 

the more he studied her pretty face, the more he felt himself, falling in, falling into the bottomless well of her being, falling in love with this rare and delicate specimen of flawed perfection. 

seriously. i sit on diets, work out, blow money on clothes, spend hours on makeup, curl my hair, put on perfume, shave, do my nails, go through all this fucking shit every day, and for whatt??????????????????? to watch some chubby Asian slut hook up with my crush? to watch a guy ive wanted all year hit on my best friend after knowing her for like 2 days? to watch all these bitches who just stuff their faces with cake all day and jiggle their lovehandles around school easily get guys ive been wanting for years??I DONT FUCKING GET IT.